No title yet (Re-Revised) That Which Persists

[PaulHa]

My unchanging essence,
specter of the human condition,
is ever enquiring
searching for meaning
through diverse experience.

I have been allowed
to use this instrument,
this container
until it is worn out
or broken beyond repair
a tenant in an amalgam
of flesh and spirit.

An insider
exploring the extremities
information provided by nerve endings
indicate the roughness of stones beneath my feet
a coffee cup warms the fingers
they feel nothing
I am an observer.

Eyes provide a trompe l'oeil of life
biological wonders
yet they see nothing
just as brush and palette
are lifeless wood and sable
until instructed by the artist .

-----------------------------

That which persists (possible title)

I have been allowed
to use this instrument
until it is worn out
or broken beyond repair
a tenant in an amalgam
of flesh and spirit.

An insider
exploring the extremities
information provided by nerve endings
indicates the roughness of stones beneath my feet
a coffee cup warms the fingers
they feel nothing
I am an observer.

Eyes provide a trompe l'oeil of life
biological wonders
yet they see nothing
just as brush and palette
are lifeless wood and sable
until instructed by the artist .

------------------

what joy this instrument gives
that I have been allowed to use
until it is worn out
or broken beyond repair

I am a tennant in an amalgam of flesh and spirit

in quiet moments I am an insider
travelling to the extremities
noting the information provided by sense organs
the roughness of the stones beneath my feet
the way a coffee cup warms the fingers
yet I have no rise in temperature
feeling nothing I am an observer

venturing to my head
I look through blue eyes
out onto the tromploi of life
an impression described by these biological wonders
yet the eyes can see nothing
just as the artists brush and pallette
are lifless wood and sable

until the artist himself instructs

[PaulHa]

I'm back folks !

My work - life balance has been............ just plain wrong.

Will try harder to keep the juices flowing. Thanks in advance for your help past present & future

[olson29]

"feeling nothing" does not (to me) belong in this poem.

"venturing to my head
I look through blue eyes" so-so, we know we're venturing through your head, and I would love to know the more minute details of your blue eyes (but I am a risk-taker critiquer)

you say "himself" at the end, yet I do know women painters, maybe you want to keep it that way but It's worth bringing up.


I like it and I love and relate to the notion of what inspired you.
I like the first half the best and the justice will work out well.

So happy you will keep posting and growing, stay intrepid, creative


O

[Agnes]

Hi Paul. I'd probably move stuff around a bit. Maybe tighten too. Playing around, here's what I came up with before total laziness enveloped my brain. It's not tight, but maybe you can get an inkling of my initial thoughts.


I am a tenant, an amalgam of flesh and spirit.

An insider, in quiet moments I travel to the extremities
and note the information senses provide--
the roughness of the stones beneath my feet,
the warmth of the coffee cup held in my fingers--
My own temperature does not rise.
Feeling nothing, I am an observer.

Through blue eyes, I look out onto the tromploi of life--
an impression described by biological wonders;
yet, the eyes can see nothing,

just as the artist's brush and pallette
are lifeless wood and sable

what joy this instrument gives
that I have been allowed to use
until it is worn out
or broken beyond repair



Agnes

[alanrh]

Hi Paul, good to hear from you. I love this one: the idea behind this poem shows your creative juices
are in good order. Very good. However, i agree with Agnes and Olson, there's some work needed on it
but when it's finished it will be a cracking poem, and i think Agnes has the right ending to the poem,
happy revising, cheers Alan.

[PaulHa]

Have done some chopping & tidying up... hopefully it'll make more sense now.

Cheers

Paul

[riverwriter]

That which persists (possible title)
I have been allowed
to use this instrument
until it is worn out
or broken beyond repair
a tenant in an amalgam
of flesh and spirit.

Paul, this first stanza stymies me. "this instrument" is not explained nor has any sense intimated. You leave the reader in Limbo until the concept of the instrument comes into focus in mid stanza 2. Let your reader in earlier; establish your subject right at the beginning.

[PaulHa]

Hopefully the re-written version will provide a better guide into the point I'm trying to advance, I can appreciate that the reader did need a 'hook' near the start.

Thanks again